Ask a Former #2 – Sharing the Past
By Liz Moore
Many formers struggle with how their pasts impact and influence their present and future lives. Questions about when, how, and with whom to share about the past are common, and the answers are not always straightforward. Variables, including how long a person has been disengaged from extremism, whether there are criminal charges in play, and what harm they caused during their time in extremist movements, inform how challenging interpersonal situations are handled. Some general points can help guide your choices, which I’ll address here:
Q: Am I supposed to tell everyone I know about my past? What about on first dates? What about job interviews?
A: While it may not feel like it sometimes, formers have a right to privacy, including not sharing our worst life choices with everyone we meet or know. Oversharing can be a form of self-harm since we are setting ourselves up for potential rejection and anger. It also creates emotional labor for the people we tell.
How can I possibly show my face in public again?
There are, however, times when disclosing is the most ethical choice. When you begin a romantic relationship, being honest with your new significant other about your past is essential. It doesn’t have to happen on the first date, but giving someone you care about and value the opportunity to opt-in to your life as a former, with full consent to the potential safety concerns and assorted struggles, is vital. Be honest with them about what you did, why, and what led you to make changes. As formers, we tend to underestimate people’s capacity for empathy and understanding. While they may not take it well, there is every reason to believe they will still want to be in your life.
Jobs are tricky, and whether you choose to disclose is highly dependent on your field and occupation. If you are applying for a job that requires a police background check, disclosing is the ethical course of action, even if you don’t have a record. It may result in you not getting the job, but disclosing the truth on your terms, instead of them finding out when Googling your name, creates the opportunity to build an honest relationship with your future employer, which could be beneficial if any difficulties related to your past arise. For example, in one job I had, a supervisor knew my history and leveraged it to harass me at work sexually. He threatened to tell our mutual boss and to have me fired if I reported him. Being honest during the hiring process would likely have offered me protection and safety, but it’s always easier to consider that in hindsight.
Q: I want to tell my story so I don’t get doxed publicly or so my dox can be taken down. What is the best platform to do this?
A: Once you tell your story, it’s out there forever, so before considering anything else, think carefully about why you want to share and what benefits there will be for you and the communities you harmed. It is also important to consider whether you feel solid and secure enough in your newly reconfigured life to take this on. It is okay if the answer is “no” or “not yet.”
It can often feel like our stories belong to everyone but us, so the inclination to get ahead of a potential or existing dox is understandable. However, decisions around sharing our stories should not primarily be driven by fear or reputational concerns. That can lead people to share too soon or from a less-than-optimal mindset. Instead, we should consider how this will help. Is it an opportunity to apologize for the pain you caused? Can you share details and insights about the group(s) you belonged to so communities can better prepare to counter them? Will this lift a weight you are carrying or cause more distress?
When you are ready, there are many platforms and ways to share your story. However, the obvious drawback is that you are putting your story out there for someone else to interpret, and that interpretation may not be to your liking. Life After Hate created resources, such as the Formers Media Toolkit, which includes tips, some gained from hard-earned wisdom and other expertise. To receive the Media Toolkit, let us know you’re interested here.
Regardless of your decision, you cannot control negative comments. Even if a dox is removed, the information that you were once part of an extremist group or movement is still part of the public domain. Remembering these limitations is essential to avoid unreasonable expectations, disappointment, and stress.
Q: How can I possibly show my face in public again?
A: Early days can be challenging! When I first left, I was in a small university town, and everyone in my classes and dorm knew. I felt like I was in a fishbowl! If you think that level of pressure, it’s crucial to get support to help navigate the situations that may arise. Fortunately, most people will move on in time, and interacting with others will be easier. In the meantime, all you can do is stay focused on your job: getting a little better every day and creating a new life for yourself. The more you work on learning and healing, the more people will see you are genuine about making a change. Both acceptance and change take time and patience – something that’s often in short supply when you want to move on. However, you can have both if you give yourself and everyone else a chance.
As formers, we tend to underestimate people’s capacity for empathy and understanding.
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The unasked common thread in these questions is when to be vulnerable about something we’re ashamed of and when to protect ourselves. Sometimes, sharing about our past can feel like protection; when it does, we need to examine why we want to share and what the impact will be on others.
Opening up about what we did and experienced is often considered an invitation for rejection that we must prepare ourselves for. Acceptance is likely more challenging to handle. Whether it’s a job, a relationship, or the grocery store clerk, hearing “no” is what we think we deserve, whereas “yes” challenges us to address our self-hatred. Whatever the response from others, we need to learn to take responsibility when possible and grace when offered. It is the best way to move through what is, without a doubt, a thorny path.
